Additive Mindset vs. Subtractive Mindset

The other day, a parent shared their worries with us. Years ago, their child was just a high school student, but has now been working in society for a few years. The mother's concern is as follows:

"Ever since my child returned from studying abroad, they've been completely buried in work, and on holidays, they travel with friends. It seems they haven't been thinking about dating or getting married at all. What should I do?"

First of all, this is a common point of conflict between many parents and their children. When their children head down a "path that parents consider potentially unsuitable," parents often feel worried or even disappointed.

The reasons behind parents' disappointment vary, but the most common ones are usually:

Parents feel that they have already walked that path. Regardless of whether they succeeded or not, they have more experience. They simply don't want to see "making known mistakes" or a life full of "if only I had known..." happen to their beloved child.

Different definitions of what constitutes goodness or happiness.

In today's column, we will explore the second point in depth, which we also refer to as "Additive Mindset vs. Subtractive Mindset."

*Note: "Subtraction" here does not refer to decluttering, but rather the concept of clearing checkpoints in a game.

In the social analysis book What Kind of Love Is Worth Being Brave For, the author mentions that the parental generation often set their life goals in a structured sequence:

Go to college → Get a job → Find a partner → Buy a car → Buy a house → Get married → Have children → Care for parents → Hold grandchildren ...

Moving forward day by day toward these goals.

When planning their life direction and looking for a partner, their goal was always to find someone with whom they could achieve these milestones stage by stage, just like clearing levels in a game.

People with a subtractive mindset believe that clearing one level leaves one less to worry about; their happiness is built on reducing the number of remaining hurdles in life.

However, modern people place great value on how things feel, regardless of their current age.

If these milestones turn into life's burdens and cannot add value to their lives,

they will choose not to pursue them. Only when they find a partner who adds value to their life will they choose to enter a relationship.

Only if buying a home adds value to their life—rather than destroying their quality of life by saving for a down payment or paying off a mortgage—will they choose to do it.

Therefore, it is not that modern people have become selfish, nor is it that they lack goals. Rather, they cherish the present moment more and hope that life is a continuous addition, where everything they do genuinely enriches who they are.

As a result, the definition of goodness and happiness—or rather, the definition of a successful life—has shifted.

There is no right or wrong, only choices.

Surely, every parent's mindset differs slightly from that of their own parents. Sometimes, putting yourself in their shoes can make things clear.

Of course, parents don't want their children to make mistakes, but perhaps the experience gained from those mistakes and the path walked along the way are what is truly invaluable.

(Except for things related to personal safety and life, where parents truly must do everything in their power to prevent their children from trying.)